Quavering a bit because I felt like a minim

...and it temporarily made me crotchety. I'm sure my readers will excuse a string of three terrible puns, but I'm amazed that this is an occasion where it took me two full days to begin to laugh at myself, as I shall explain.

Unlike some others I have known (who were upset at reaching the age of thirty or even twenty - where I wasn't at all troubled by forty or fifty), I am not bothered by ageing - except in realising, with some genuine sorrow, that I've reached the point where I have forgotten more than I know. There could be a play I studied in depth, and I'd have to think twice before I even remembered the characters. I've forgotten my foreign languages to a point where I doubt I could say more than good morning in anything except English - and I might not even manage that until I had a double espresso. Of course, I can refresh my memory on many subjects, but those which I once knew to such an extent that their practise was nearly intuitive sadly have fled.

Last Saturday, I happily had been invited to a "Bach party," where various people who either sang or played instruments gathered to perform cantatas. (I realise that this is not everyone's idea of a good time - but how could I resist a chance to meet others who think it is indeed?) Now, anyone with a Master's in musicology hardly would be any stranger to Bach (who, indeed, is one of my favourite composers), and I actually recall conducting some of the cantatas a lifetime ago.

I haven't performed in years. Though I have no deficiencies in training (and know my voice wasn't 5% of what it once was), I'd forgotten how one loses a knack one hasn't used in ages. For example, when I was performing I could have 'jumped in' with sight reading Bach - one isn't even aware of that one is counting and so forth, because it's a part of one's every day life.

Well, we performed cantatas 1 and 4. The few instrumentalists there (a few oboe players, some violinists, a bass player, and two French horns) did such parts as they could, but there wasn't anything approaching a full ensemble. (One of the oboe players did the viola part, since there were no violas and he alone was comfortable with reading that odd clef.) I certainly am no stranger to Bach, but, after all these years, I hadn't really thought about how his vocal parts (typically for him in anything) are all contrapuntal, syncopated, fast in parts and so forth. With its being so many years, I just couldn't sight read that fast. I might have done better had there been a keyboard accompaniment, but of course what the instrumentalists played bore no relation to what we sang.

One other participant was a very confident type - she, with me and two other ladies, one of whom had to leave early, was 'the soprano section,' but she kept joining in with the altos or even tenor part (we had only one tenor and one bass) whenever the sopranos had free measures. At one point, I believe I made a mistake, and she started wildly waving at me - which I naturally found quite embarrassing. Overall, I felt I looked like a total fool - it probably seemed I didn't even know how to read music.

I tried a joint effort at the soprano solo. It was full of semi quavers at the slowest (and of course the instrumental part had no relation to the melody), and, though despite my lack of practise it was not beyond my vocal range, it flew all over creation, and I just couldn't keep up. In fact, I'll candidly admit that, even when I was performing, I would have had to practise such a solo for some time to 'get it right.' I'm a spinto, and fluttering around is not easy for a voice with a dark timbre - how I'd have loved to show off a bit back when I could...

I'm not suggesting that feeling like a well worn fool is the exclusive domain of musicians - it applies to just about all of us who, however well versed we are in a subject, have not had the opportunity to practise the art over many years. I'm surprised that it took me so long to see the humour!

I well remember when I was a student. I knew people who were extremely talented, but others (in fact, those more likely to star in local companies!) who had confidence which often far outweighed their abilities. It occurs to me that, the more one does learn, the more one realises one knows little - but those who really don't know very much (the proverbial big fish in little ponds being a prime example) can hold their heads high seeing themselves as authorities.

There were others there who didn't sound any better than I did, so why I was so timid probably has to do with, first, knowing I was very good once upon a time and not wishing to be pathetic and, perhaps more so, being all too aware of just how much I have forgotten. The astute among you may have noticed that I cannot even remember in which 'odd clef' the viola plays... and this though I used to play the viola (terribly, I'll admit) in the string ensemble. (There are many things one must do when one studies music at university level...) I cannot even remember which instruments 'don't sound in C,' or how one must transpose orchestral scores - though I did it many times in orchestration assignments. In a way, I envy those who realise, only when they are playing French horn and something sounds strange, that they have the score for the wrong instrument (not unusual if there are few instruments and two horns, so one is 'faking' a totally different instrument just to fill in.) I genuinely envy anyone who could play a viola part on an oboe and not even blush when, at one point, he forgot he was using 'that odd clef' and sounded a bit like Ravi Shankar in a renaissance ensemble.

...I hope I have the chance to attend again... But I'll be forgiven for hoping it's a piece I know through and through... as I once did Bach cantatas. :)