Shall we finally have sex now?

Caught your attention, did I not? I naturally meant 'the topic of sex,' and what prompted this post was recent nonsense about "The Silver Ring Thing," to which you'll find a link in the heading for this post. (Be assured this is not an endorsement, merely a source for information.) Recently, there was much media coverage regarding a girl (whose father is very involved in the Silver Ring programme), who had quite a controversy with her school about whether this ring, which she saw as a symbol of religious commitment, should be permitted, considering that wearing jewellery is not permitted with the school uniform.

Those who are gluttons for punishment, or who want to laugh aloud while shaking their heads, may search the Internet for Silver Ring 'merchandise' - such as shirts proclaiming "I'm Waiting!" or "Good Girl." I recall a BBC special regarding those involved with the Silver Ring business, and I found it all rather ludicrous. Most of the young people who were interviewed are engaging in oral sex (since when is that not having sex - to anyone but an adulterous lawyer?) and so forth - it appears the girls make pledges based on the authority of their fathers, saving their hymens as gifts to their husbands (I suppose because many men get a thrill from deflowering virgins.) Of course, being a private person and thinking that such things as dignity are not passé, I am wondering why a girl who believes sex belongs only in marriage needs to make that known to anyone except a man with whom she is involved.

The very business of "I'm Waiting!" seems rather prurient to me - as if a girl has to advertise to the world that all the men who must be panting after her have no hopes of a bonk that evening. "Good Girl!" is posturing - I daresay even virgins and chaste married women have a sin of some sort here and there, and such a slogan not only implicitly proclaims oneself as superior to those whose sins are of a different nature than one's own favourites but shows a common but completely erroneous idea that the only sins that matter are those connected with sex.

The Silver Ring site makes it plain that parents "are the leading influence in their children's sexual decision-making," and that their seminars have no graphic information about sex because "this is basically the parent's role." Is there anyone out there who can manage to come to full maturity, not only about sex but in any other area, if they cannot get past wanting to imitate or please parents? (I suppose Francis of Assisi and the teenaged Clare, who rejected their parents' values and embraced a new form of religious life, should be considered sinners for their disobedience and originality.) I'll return to the 'parent's role' in a moment.

What saddens me, not only in this but in much of the attitude towards sex today, is that it never seems to focus on the virtue of chastity. Here I am not speaking in a narrow sense, but of using one's sexuality in a loving, appropriate, responsible manner - whatever one's state of life. The Silver Ring site seems to think these 'pledges' will revolt against a sinful society (if they read the Old Testament, for example, they'd realise that sins of any sort are not reserved to the 21st century - but I suppose their kids cannot read the OT because it contains varied references to sex) and prevent STDs - but the emphasis is largely on negative, natural consequences for behaviour.

It occurs to me that the Christian stress on chastity (here I refer to fidelity in marriage and refraining from sex outside of this commitment) is highly positive, and based on marriage as both a covenant and reflecting God's own covenant with his creation. (Yes, I stress commitment in marriage. Love is not enough if there is no firm covenant.) There is respect for sex as a share in divine, creative power - and I do not restrict this to the few times in any life when procreation takes place. If parents can be the 'main teachers,' I see this not in preaching and snooping, but in presenting an example of commitment and responsibility.

I was a teenager at the height of the 'sexual revolution' (in which I did not participate.) My teachers then were not prudish or ignorant, but had to more or less pretend they thought every person in the class was a virgin who was worrying over whether snogging was a mortal sin. They knew otherwise, of course, but the extreme reserve, and questions shrugged off with 'ask your parents' (even if the question was indirect, as with science or literature), is because a small but vocal number of parents would be in an uproar if their 'role' was usurped. I recall very vividly that two sets of parents (of school mates of mine) who were the most insistent on how all sex education must be the parents' role had children who were quite prolific fornicators.

I have the highest respect for marriage, and consider it to be a sacrament - but the few references that were allowed (and many popular books at the time, when the holiest of couples were urging Paul VI to reconsider on contraception) glorified the state to such an extent that it was unreal. I cannot remember the title now, but one book written by fervent Catholics who wished contraception to be permitted made constant references to sex, but without allowing the slightest mention of physical desire! Apparently all sexual activity came from an intense need to express love and mirror the Trinity...

I was and am rather a naive creature, but even I, most fortunately, knew better than to think that any man who might care to have sex with me just had to be prompted by an overwhelming desire to 'enfold me with his love.' I cannot think of too many ideas which could make the most innocent of women more vulnerable!

With all the emphasis on fear of paedophilia today, there are common attitudes which would make it seem that a child of three and a teenaged man or woman both are sexless little darlings who won't think about sex unless some wicked adult mentions the topic. (I am inclined to doubt that teenagers are thinking of too much else. It also occurs to me that this was intended by the Creator, or that the human race would have died out the first time Eve had labour pains.)

I remember a devout acquaintance (who married at the age of 19, has been married perhaps thirty years, and is the mother of six) who was outraged that her teenaged children had had exposure, at school, to a book which made some references to foreplay and intercourse. My personal view is that anyone who is trying to live chastely (in this context, those who plan to marry but not have sex beforehand) had damn well better know these details! More than once, I have known teenagers who said that they had not intended to 'go the whole way,' but did not realise how quickly it all can happen (especially with the intensity of sex drive and speed of arousal of the young adult.)

Too often, those encouraging abstinence from sex make little, if any, reference to chastity as a virtue. (I'd love to hear one of the Bible thumpers prepare a sermon about Paul's exhortations against 'porneia' in his epistles... noting correctly that, in each case, Paul presented these in an overall context of avoiding idolatry. It wasn't a teary-eyed means for evos to say, "I was his first!") That improper use of our faculties and drives (of all sorts, not only the sexual) hampers the spiritual life - the love of God and neighbour - is rarely mentioned. The virtue of chastity is a wonderful concept, with both intimacy with God and a healthy respect for our inclinations and their appropriate use as considerations - an idea that one is 'saving' her hymen for her husband both makes her sound like the man's property and implies that, once that part of the anatomy is gone, future behaviour does not matter.

I'll save my writing about chastity as practised in consecrated life for another thread - I daresay evangelicals who are involved with such projects as Silver Rings would condemn permanent chastity (not knowing anything of its ancient Christian origins and value) because so much of their emphasis is on marriage and family that one would think anyone not married was violating God's will.