King Freud

That title is not quite accurate, but rather a dismal memory struck me today. Before I moved house, two years ago, I had a substantial collection of books, mainly aimed at the clergy and religious communities, which had to do with supposed spirituality and counselling. Sadly, having them no longer at hand, I cannot quote chapter and verse. Yet it continually amazes me, considering that Freud worked on the premise that there was no God (and that his seeing us as motivated by sex and a desire for murder was not tempered with Augustine's allowance for us being in God's image and transformed by grace), that his words were accepted as a fifth gospel in many such books.

This entry is not about Freud - the title was a whim. But I do want to say a word about how 'pop psychology' today, or even techniques which can be useful in the limited application of 12 step programmes, can blind us to reality. If one's mindset is focussed on the latest pop psychology (and how people do love to think they have all the answers), one can 'hear' the stereotypes - blotting out the genuine thoughts, situations, and feelings of the speaker in the process.

Some years ago, I attended a seminar, covering several months, in pastoral care. One exercise, clearly intended to improve listening abilities, had quite another effect. We went through pretending to be people with specific problems, with the other party 'listening' and making comments. The idea was to repeat some element of what the speaker had said, to show one was attentive. It had quite another effect! Since listening was presented as 'pick up on key words, and don't let the other person finish a paragraph before you jump in,' half the time the 'talking back' had little relation to the entire picture. Worse, the fixed ideas one might have could make one 'finish another's sentences,' jumping in to recommend 'solutions' such as joining a charismatic prayer group (when the speaker was referring to his house burning down), going to Weight Watchers (when the one the other judged to be too fat was speaking of a job difficulty), 'making a change' (when the speaker referred to a niece's suicide attempt.)

Of course, though this was an era predating 'self help aisles,' there were many early 'self esteem' infections. This is not a vote against healthy self esteem, of course - our creation and deification are treasures not to be taken lightly. But 'self esteem' in this sense meant that one was sinless, perfection waiting to be discovered, and more. I well remember a godawful but very popular book which insisted that the 'useless emotions' to be discarded were 'guilt and worry.' No one stopped to think that those completely free of both are sociopaths.

Several very dear friends of mine were alcoholics or drug addicts, and found strength in twelve step programmes. I'll go so far as to say that, for some, these programmes were life savers. Nonetheless, certain slogans which addicts find very helpful should not be transferred into universal perspectives.

As one example, my alcoholic friends would have been first to admit (post-AA) that they had tendencies to blame others for every misfortune - and indeed to blame others for their own drinking most of all. For one who is unable to accept responsibility for his own actions, and to deny the effects of his addiction, such ideas as "If there's a problem here, I caused it" can be valuable. Alcoholics of my acquaintance often had blackouts, where they genuinely did not remember a problem arising from a binge, or were incapable of any concept of cause and effect.

This is fine in their case, but highly dangerous for those who are not addicts. There are many things in our lives for which we do not have control - and blaming oneself for everything can be devastating. (I'm the sort who would blame herself if the Arabs attacked the Israelis.)

Not long ago, I was shocked to hear that an old acquaintance of mine, from whom I had not heard in ages, had thought I spoke ill of her to a mutual friend. The latter, whom I'd known longer and probably did not want me to have contact with her because I knew too much of her past, had totally made up a story about what I supposedly said. It wasn't a confidence betrayed, or even words quoted out of context - I'd never said any such thing, and indeed had never known she said this. I was very sorry that C's lies had hurt another and turned her against me -but how could I be responsible for something of which I'd known nothing?

That may seem a silly example, but such cases are universal. We've all had times when, after the fact, we found out that someone took our name in vain, as it were. But I'm only using this small case to show how it is not true that, invariably, 'if there's a problem here, I caused it.'

True listening is a rare gift. We need not to 'finish other's sentences' - or we'll be convinced that is what they said, though it is not!

In one of her autobiographical books, Karen Armstrong provides a fine example of how 'professionals' can be just as deaf as the rest of us. Karen has temporal lobe epilepsy, and the symptoms for this often begin in the early adult years - in Karen's case, during her time in a convent (ages 17-24.) When Karen left her community, and troublesome symptoms continued and increased, she consulted various psychiatrists. I'm sure that all seven of them had at least a vague notion of the symptoms for temporal lobe - had Karen never been a nun, perhaps the first line of diagnosis they'd have pursued would have been neurological. But Karen was boxed at once, because her convent life was outside the norm. She went undiagnosed, with a treatable condition, for years, while shrinks tried to probe what childhood trauma would make her do anything as deviant as enter the religious life. Karen was not even permitted to speak of the convent days, though she wished to do so, because that was supposedly a means to avoid discussing her childhood.

Let us recall that it was by divine design that we have two ears and only one mouth.