I know you believe you understand what you think I said...

but I am not sure you realise that what you heard was not what I meant.

I cannot recall where I read the line I used to begin this entry - it sounds like the sort of thing I must have seen printed on a shirt or something. Yet, though it momentarily seems silly, it reminds me of a situation I have seen on countless occasions. People seldom really listen, and confuse 'listening' with just picking up on key words in order to share their response.

In "The Spiral Staircase," Karen Armstrong writes of symptoms she had during and after her time in convent life, and about which she consulted various psychiatrists. Karen is not mentally ill at all, but has temporal lobe epilepsy, and her symptoms were 'textbook' for that problem. Yet the psychiatrists, who undoubtedly could have spouted off the symptoms for temporal lobe epilepsy with no provocation, not only did not pick up on the ailment but would not let Karen discuss anything else of her choosing. Freud has been king for nearly two centuries (yes, often in the church as well - what on earth did this man do that made him so influential?). Since Karen entered a convent at age 17, and remained there for seven years, she was immediately 'boxed' as having problems stemming from childhood, etc., etc.. After all, what could be a greater symptom of mental illness than becoming a nun?

I am no expert on Freud, though, from what little I do know of him, I dare say he was more twisted than most mental patients. Who, for the past century, has been able to even write honestly of the human condition, without wondering what Freudian interpretation readers would give the words? Lord have mercy, I can just imagine if Julian of Norwich saw some shrink and spoke of her visions of Christ's blood. (Christ's blood, I must add, does not revolt me... besides its being a symbol of redemption, I recall that I just drank some this morning.)

Within the pastoral realm, it is most unfortunate that 'boxing' people, and deciding that 'this must mean that,' is no less common than it is elsewhere. Few people would understand my life of prayer - and, indeed, even the devout would see it as negative. After all, why would someone with my education not be after making the most money possible? It is assumed that celibates (well, when it is not assumed they are crazy - being a heavy woman, I've been asked if I'm hiding behind a wall of fat because I'd been raped - and there is not a word of truth in that!) have 'nothing to do' if they are not constantly chained to office desks. (Scholarly pursuits, apparently, are 'doing nothing.') Honestly, there are days when I think I'll spend forty years in purgatory if one more person tells me I need "something to do." (I dare say I 'do' more in a day than most in a week, even if it has not lined my pockets with gold.)

I apologise, dear friends, for the poor quality of my writing at the moment. I'm in the midst of moving to a new flat. Though I am quite satisfied with the place I found, the exhaustion of all that goes into moving is compounded by puzzlement over why so many people just love to see the dark side. I've heard, just this week, every possible thing that can go wrong. Pessimistic by nature, the last thing I need is fuel for the fire - but one question I'll take to the grave is why people take such pleasure in trying to make others more tense and worried.

I've been a scholar for many years, and there is nothing I have learnt more than that one never has all of the answers... more learning means more questions. I think, deep down, that those who do not listen but spout clichés, and those who love to trouble others, would like to be thought of as having superior knowledge. Why is the implicit condescension not apparent to them?

People who are trying to convince me that all sorts of catastrophes are ahead, or that the right doctor could cure me of my religious commitment, are an annoyance. I have stuffed none of them up the chimney, largely because I never did have a fireplace. Yet, again to refer briefly to the pastoral realm, it is extremely dangerous to make generalisations or 'box' people. All communication and understanding is cut off as a result.